ashleyqualls.com / All Of These Artifacts

Life is Strange is a great game by the way. (one of the best)

A rundown because I haven’t been active in quite some time.

There is so much to be said and I wish I could share it all (something I know I will regret because I enjoy reminiscing and remembering even the most painful and cringe-worthy stuff for the memories)

Life is, well, good right now. But it took me to hell and back to get here. (But you may have already guessed that!)
I’m out in Lansing now. I’m condensing this as much as possible. I’m staying with David. Just recently got a promotion, which is awesome with writing. Which works, because writing is enjoyable and doable for me with handling my flare-ups. Been spending more time with my family and friends. Almost finished building my dad’s porch up north this weekend for Father’s Day and although I am now paying for it, I wouldn’t change it for the world. He is so happy. I am so happy. He has given me my strength. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I love you dad.

My relationship with my mother is all but gone. I’ve had enough. She was four months sober. Those were the best four months I ever had in my life with her. At least God blessed me with those. She was my very best friend throughout those four months. Her soul is good deep down, but her demons when she drinks, ugh. Horrible. What a horrible thing to see. What a twisted thing to see. I can’t be around it any longer. Too much time wasted. I was starting to waste away too. I can’t even type about it any longer.

It’s wacky how fast life changes. I’m still struggling to cope with my autoimmune stuff and handling the obstacles. I’m not quite sure I’ll ever adjust. I’ve got lumps and bumps and new symptoms each day. Today I was putting CDs in alphabetical order away for David while he was out and I couldn’t remember the alphabet. Tell me that wouldn’t make you feel small. It sure did to me. I write for a goddamn living. It’s the little things that build up and make you feel invisible. But, at the same time, today I got that promotion…which means I must be doing something right (sometimes, at least). We soldier on. I am trying my best. It’s all I can do anymore. But I am still me. And mostly, I love life. And I love my shows, and art, and laughing, and joking, and getting creative, and just being. I’m content.

I seek joy in the simplest things in life. It doesn’t take much to please me or make me feel fulfilled these days. Stability and peace are what I truly seek. It’s all that matters anymore. Comfort. Health. Painless existence. It sounds almost melodramatic, but dealing with all of this has helped me realized my truth. I’m working towards fixing my focus and mind/brain and I hope someday there is a way to manage/cure/fix these issues. But for now, all I can do is “soldier on” to the best of my ability. My doctors have told me to simply “sleep” and “stay out of the sun” at all times. ALL TIMES. It sucks. I don’t always do it. And I pay for it. I do. But I am learning. And I am adjusting. I am human.

We’ve lived in bars
And danced on the tables
Hotels, trains and ships that sail
We swim with sharks
And fly with aeroplanes in the air

Send in the trumpets
The marching wheelchairs
Open the blankets and give them some air
Swords and arches, bones and cement
The light and the dark of the innocence of men

We know your house so very well
And we will wake you once we’ve walked up all your stairs

Love yourself more. Let it all go. Push, you must. Remember the rain. Remember the piercing sunshine. Remember the shadows. Remember this is all just your story. Hello 2017.

Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful? 

One turn after another. I’m pushing as hard as I can. My heart doesn’t want to work right anymore. So there’s that. Ah well. Bre’s wedding is FINALLY this weekend. Not sure why I capitalized finally…it flew by. I can barely fathom how fast time is going anymore. Jesus.

Hoping for a decent weekend. Looking forward to Lou Bega and lightsabers of course. xo

I told you so